RECEPTIONIST [ON VOICE MAIL]: You’ve reached Dr. Stuart Price.
The office will be closed until the 24th. If this is an emergency, please try…
STU [ON VOICE MAIL]: Hi. This is Dr. Stu Price.
I’m getting married, so I’ll be out of the country for two weeks.
I’m not sure if I’ll have cell service. If this is a dental emergency, plea…
[SPEAKING IN THAl]
] Daddy, please. You’re not helping.
] [IN ENGLISH] I looked into his eyes. Not the eyes of a man.
The eyes of a coward.
[BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING IN THAl]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
– Phil. PHIL [ON PHONE]: Tracy.
Where the hell are you?
It happened again.
Don’t say that.
No, this time we really fucked up.
Seriously, what is wrong with you three?
So much, Trace, I don’t even know where to begin.
TRACY: Oh, God. How bad?
Like no wedding bad?
Little worse than that.
You really need to floss more.
Fuck that. That’s why I come here.
Then you should come more than once every two years.
– So you could bleed me of all my money? – I never charge you a dime, Phil.
– Hey, how do I work the nitrous? – Uh, you don’t, actually.
Come on. Just one hit.
Fillings look pretty good. Any other problems?
Yeah, actually. You’re getting married in Thailand.
For starters, that’s flights for me and Steph. That’s two grand right there.
My mother-in-law’s watching the kids.
Now she’s got this whole new thing to hold over my head.
Plus it takes five days to get there.
It’s a 16-hour flight. And it’s beautiful when you get there.
– Whatever. It’s a hassle. – It is kind of far.
Lauren’s been there a week and she’s still jet-lagged.
It’s where her parents are from. It means a lot.
Who gives a shit about her parents? Her dad hates you.
He doesn’t hate me.
He’s just never spoken to me. I think it’s a cultural thing.
Why can’t you get married in Vegas like last time? So much easier.
Why can’t you just be excited for me?
This is my wedding.
You’re really happy, huh?
I really am.
All right. I’m happy too.
It’s gonna be fun.
Phil? Put the prescription pad back.
Thank you. You know that’s a felony, right?
Fuck you, man.
– Was this right up against your scrotum? – Yep.
TRACY: Oh, my God. I just realized. DOUG: What?
TRACY: I forgot to renew my passport.
Good thing I did it last week. It’s in the kitchen drawer.
You’re the best.
Hey, we’re a team.
No, I mean, you are a good guy. Like, a really good guy.
So I know you’re not gonna get mad.
Mad? What…? Mad at what?
Alan found out that we’re going to Thailand for Stu’s wedding.
So he’s heartbroken, Doug. You guys are like his family.
No, your family is like his family.
All Alan talks about is the three of you. And that weekend.
Wait. Is he the one that keeps calling and hanging up?
He does that when he’s upset. He doesn’t understand why he’s not invited.
Could you just run it by Stu?
Just run it by him.
STU: No fucking way.
Come on, Stu. It’s killing him.
I don’t care.
Honestly, the two of you were barely invited.
PHIL: Oh. – All right. I get it. I really do.
Just, you know what? Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
I consider Alan to be insane.
PHIL: Stu, throw him a bone.
His dad pays for everything he eats and breaks.
We should squeeze the old man to cover the bachelor party.
I’m glad you brought that up, because this is the bachelor party.
– What? – What are you talking about?
Yeah. It’s my bachelor brunch.
Go crazy. Get some chocolate-chip pancakes, a lap dance from the waitress.
That’s bullshit. Ha, ha. You can’t just skip out of a bachelor party, Stu.
You see that? That’s orange juice with a napkin on top.
Do you know why? So nobody roofies me.
Well, I refuse to eat fucking cantaloupe at a bachelor party.
Come on. Don’t you think you’re overreacting?
No, I don’t.
I’m still putting the broken pieces of my psyche back together.
And you know what the glue is?
Lauren. And I’m not doing anything to screw that up.
– You wouldn’t be with her if it wasn’t for us. – Oh, this’ll be good.
Stu, think about it. You ended up ditching Melissa.
Two years later, you met your true soul mate.
You take Vegas out of that equation, you would have married a cunt.
It’s okay. I’m allowed to say it. It’s a bachelor party.
Drink up, everybody.
Wait, there’s no alcohol. I forgot, we’re at a fucking IHOP.
Well, it’s my decision and it’s final, so how about a toast?
– This sucks. I’m gonna wait in the car. – Come on, Phil. Where you going?
I just don’t get it. He’s getting married in Thailand.
That’s great for him, but what about us? You’re just selfish.
Come on, sweetheart.
Shame on you.
Don’t worry, Stu. I will stand up for you no matter what.
But you gotta help me out with this Alan thing.
SID: Guys, I can’t tell you how much this means.
Alan’s been waiting for the invite ever since he got wind of the wedding.
I’m sure he has.
Yeah, he’s been standing outside by the mailbox every day.
– Wow, that’s rough. – Yeah. I, uh…
I’m not quite sure he ever left Vegas, you know? He really needs this.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Sweetie, it’s Pa Pa. You have visitors.
Go in slowly, give him a chance to acclimate.
DOUG: Hey, Alan.
– Hey, Phil. – Hey, bud.
[STAMMERING] Uh… Uh, you guys wanna come in?
– Sure. – Yeah, absolutely.
– Hey. – Hey.
– Hey, Stu. – Okay. See you on the court in half…
Pretty cool room, Alan.
Oh, thanks, Phil. My dad pays my rent.
Alan, what the fuck?
We were supposed to delete these. You made a promise.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell?
I’m not cool with this at all. You can’t have these.
PHIL: Ha, ha. – Chillax, Stu. Nobody ever comes in here.
Total violation of trust.
Mother, I’m done with my lunch. It’s just sitting here.
LINDA [OVER INTERCOM]: Sorry, honey. I’ll be right up.
ALAN: Can’t believe you stopped by. This is cool.
Wait a second. Al, is that Mr. Chow?
Yeah. We still keep in touch.
– The guy that kidnapped us? – He didn’t kidnap us.
He kidnapped Black Doug. Remember?
It was a whole big misunderstanding. He’s actually quite charming.
– Alan, he’s a criminal. – Excuse me, boys.
– Hi, Linda. LINDA: Hi, Dougie.
I guess we don’t do dessert anymore. I didn’t get that memo.
Well, I’m sorry, darling. I’ll be right back.
Would a cupcake kill you?
– I don’t think this was a good idea. – Uh, Alan, we have a little surprise for you.
Stu would like to invite you to his wedding.
Well, only if you’re not busy.
Well, maybe the Jonas Brothers are in town.
No. They’re in Raleigh-Durham that weekend.
Are you really being serious, Stu? You’re inviting me?
Yeah, why not? Could be fun, right?
– Phil, are you going? – Of course.
Then it will be fun.
STU: Ah! – Whoa, what the fuck are you doing, man?
It’s my immunizations. This is the last day I can do it.
That’s supposed to be done by a registered nurse.
I am a nurse. I’m just not registered.
Oh, Stu, look at this.
I bought this because I thought of you.
STU: Hey, there he is. – Hey, Stu.
– Teddy. What’s up? How are you? TEDDY: Good to see you, man.
STU: All right. – Who’s this guy, Stu?
This is Teddy, Lauren’s little brother.
Goes to Stanford. Premed. This is Phil, Alan and Doug.
DOUG: Hey, nice to meet you, man. – Wow, Stanford? How old are you?
TEDDY: I’m… – Uh, he’s 17. Kind of a genius.
Actually, I’m 16.
And I’m not a genius. My dad just had me take the entrance exams early.
Because you’re a genius.
– So, what are you, a doctor? – No. Not yet. I’m premed.
Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser?
– Yeah. – Well, he turned out to be a gay.
– Alan. – It’s true. I read it in Teen People.
Right. Okay, well, I’m gonna grab a book or something for the plane.
You guys want anything?
– No, thanks. DOUG: I’m good.
I would actually love a Smartwater.
– What’s the matter with you? He’s 16. – Yeah, Alan. Take it easy.
I’m a little confused. Is he here just to see us off or what?
– How does this work? – How does what work?
Is that person coming to the wedding?
Yes, Alan. My bride’s little brother is coming to the wedding.
Is that okay with you?
Well, it’s just the first time I’ve heard of it. You could have paged me.
Don’t overreact. It’s gonna be fine.
Hey. Mind if I sit?
– Wolf pack only. Find another chair. – There’s no wolf pack, Alan.
– Come on. – It’s no problem. I can find…
– Don’t be ridiculous. You’re sitting here. – Careful. That’s a Louis…
That is a Louis Vuitton.
That’s a nice neck roll.
Thanks. You can use it if you want.
LAUREN: Baby! Hi! Oh, my God!
– How was your trip? – It was long, but good.
STU: This is so absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much.
Between Teddy and me, you must be pretty excited.
Pretty soon you’ll have two doctors in the family. Ha, ha.
You have to realize that in my country, we don’t consider dentist to be real doctors.
Anyway, I have to go and talk to Teddy about his cello performance tonight.
– Ouch. – I’m so sorry.
Your dad’s kind of obsessed with your brother.
LAUREN: Teddy is my dad’s prized possession.
It’s always been that way.
He’ll warm up. I promise. Okay?
ALAN: If you just fax it over to me, I’ll pick it up from concierge.
Okay. Ha, ha. Thanks, Pa Pa.
] That was, uh, my dad. I’m a stay-at-home son.
7] We were discussing your wedding gift. He’s sparing no expense.
0] Oh, that’s so unnecessary.
9] I’ve been, uh, meaning to ask. I noticed it’s a fishing village.
0] Is there a Long John Silver’s on the island?
0] You know, no, I don’t think so. I’m so sorry.
6] But we are actually serving some great fresh seafood.
5] – Better than Long John’s? – Yes.
9] I’ll be the judge of that. Enjoy your evening.
9] You too. Okay.
5] [PLAYING BACH’S “SUITE NO. 1 IN G”]
3] All right.
5] Thank you, Teddy.
9] The hands of a brilliant musician…
3] …and one day, a great surgeon.
1] I admit it.
When I first met Stu, I was not quite sold.
[STU SNICKERS AND ALL CHUCKLE]
He seemed unattractive.
He lacked intelligence and imagination.
He was missing that spark you look for in a man.
But then I look into Stu’s eyes.
He reminded me of my sweet brother, Chaiyo.
For those who do not know…
…Chaiyo is learning-disabled and lives in a group home.
But Chaiyo loves chok.
And that’s when I realized…
…Stu is chok.
[WHISPERS] What’s chok?
Chok is soft white rice in lukewarm water.
It has no taste.
We feed it to small baby and very old people.
It is nourishment that everyone can digest.
The world needs chok.
Just as the world needs people like Stu.
To my sweet daughter and Stu. Congratulations.
PHIL: Hear, hear. DOUG: Cheers, guys.
And now I believe that Teddy has something to say.
Sit down. I got this.
Sit down, boy.
That was, uh, a great speech, sir.
I like the comparisons between, uh, Stu and rice.
I’ve also prepared a few words.
“Hey, everybody, here are some fun facts.
The population in Thailand is 63 million people.
It is twice the size of Wyoming.
Its chief exports are textiles, footwear and rice.
Each year, approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand.
– The climate in Thailand is…” DOUG: Alan, uh…
Alan, why don’t you skip to the last card there, buddy?
“None of you know Stu like I do.”
Not you. Not you.
Not you. Not you.
Not nobody knows Stu like I do.
“I can’t even tell you what we’ve been through…
…because we made a pact more important than blood.
What I can tell you is this:
This is not Stu’s first marriage.
There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago…”
[WHISPERS] All right, time’s up. You can sit down, bud. You can sit down.
– It was good. I did good, though. – Oh, God, you killed it.
– Okay. Thanks, Phil. – Sit down. Yeah.
In your face.
Well, that was exactly as painful as I expected it to be.
Ha, ha. Sorry.
Oh, rice pudding! What are you doing?
– Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Phil. – Be nice, Phil. He’s extra sensitive tonight.
Get over it. He’s your father-in-law. He’s supposed to hate you.
Come have a drink with me and the guys.
You know, I’m really exhausted. We’re just gonna go upstairs and crash.
I spoke with the manager. He’ll let us have a beach bonfire.
That sounds fun.
Nah. I’m good.
Stu. One drink with your friends. They came all this way.
– I just wanna hang out with you. – Oh, come on, just go and do me a favor:
Take Teddy with you.
He never gets to have any fun.
That is a great idea. Bring the kid.
– All right. One drink. LAUREN: Perfect.
– See? – You win.
STU: See you later. LAUREN: Have fun.
STEPHANIE: Got your key? – Uh, yep. Got it right there.
– I’ll see you in 20 minutes. – [MOUTHS] I love you.
My Uncle Roger said that he once saw a albino polar bear.
Really? Polar bears are white.
How would he know if it’s an albino?
This one was black.
Did you ever think maybe it was just a black bear?
– Okay. Here we go. ALAN: All right.
– American beer. DOUG: Let’s do it.
Thank you. All right.
Um, I’m not really old enough to drink.
Yeah, it’s illegal. Be a shame if somebody reported you.
Nobody’s reporting anybody.
It’s fine, Teddy. Have a little fun.
ALAN: Careful. PHIL: What? Oh.
What is this? Roasting marshmallows? Nice touch.
DOUG: That was Alan’s idea. – Oh. Good thinking, Alan.
You know, I gotta hand it to you, Stu. This place is paradise.
Not bad, right?
And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually jealous of you.
I mean, Lauren is an angel.
Yeah, she really is amazing.
Wow, you guys are sweet.
Not big breasts on her, but still, solid rack for an Asian.
Sorry, Teddy, but it’s true.
That is just wildly inappropriate. And yet I’m really glad you’re here.
All you guys.
Even you, Alan.
It means a lot that you made the trip. Thank you.
Wouldn’t miss it, buddy.
Great. Now can we have our one fucking beer, Dad?
All right. Toast.
Come on, stand up, guys.
Come over here, Alan.
To Lauren and Stu.
– You did it, buddy. – You sure did.
What the hell?
[PEOPLE SHOUTING NEARBY]
[GRUNTING AND GROANING]
I think it’s happened again.
Alan, what the fuck did you do?
I didn’t do anything. I swear to God.
Your hair is gone.
Where the fuck are we?
[ELECTRICITY POWERING DOWN]
[WHISPERS] Phil, I’m scared.
Stu, come on, get up. We got a situation.
[STU MOANING LOUDLY]
Oh, holy shit.
Where are we?
Oh, my God, Alan. Your head.
No, your head.
Stu, you’re gonna freak out, but it’s gonna be okay.
Why? What’s…? Is it my teeth?
– It’s not your teeth. ALAN: No.
– Are you sure? – Yep.
– Did you check the bottoms? – I did.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck? Ow!
That’s good. Why don’t you try to wash it off?
STU: It’s not coming off!
This is a real tattoo!
Alan, what did you do? Did you roofie me?
– I didn’t do anything. – Stu, he swore to God.
PHIL: Oh, jeez! STU: What is it?! What is it?!
Help! Back there! What are you?!
ALAN: Did you see that jump?
– Oh, what the hell?! – Oh, it’s a monkey.
Look at the cute little vest. Hi, little monkey.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
– Phone. – Hi, monkey.
Look, Alan, Alan, go find the phone.
I got it.
Doug. Doug. Where the hell are you?
I’m at breakfast. By the pool. You guys coming down or what?
Oh, Jesus. Thank God. Doug’s fine.
Stu, Doug’s fine! He’s at the resort.
Why aren’t we at the resort?
What’s going on? Where are you?
I don’t know, man. We woke up in some shithole room in some city.
DOUG: Oh, God. What city?
I don’t know, Doug. Fucking Asia Town.
I don’t know. I told you.
Where are we?
PHIL: I have no fucking idea.
ALAN: Hey, Stu. – What?
Check this out.
You ever seen anything like this?
– What is that? ALAN: Careful!
Might be a spider’s nest. I’ve tangled with those before.
I don’t get it, man. I mean, we each had one beer last night, right?
– I mean, you too. – Yeah, but I left early, remember?
PHIL: I don’t remember shit.
Tracy wasn’t feeling well. She came down to get me.
Wait a second. Is Teddy with you guys?
PHIL: Teddy? What? What are you talking about?
They’ve been looking for him all morning.
– Teddy went to Stanford, right? DOUG: Yeah. Why?
I just found his finger.
I just found his fucking finger, Doug.
Phil, what is going on?
[STAMMERING] All right. All right, all right, all right.
This is what we’re gonna do. Tell the girls that we woke up early…
…and went on a fishing trip. That’s where we are.
– Right. – All right, stay by the phone.
PHIL: All right, we got a little bit of a problem.
What is that?
We don’t know.
Is it a worm?
It’s a mushroom.
Monkey, taste it. What do you think? Is it shiitake?
He can’t understand you.
STU: He just did.
Why is he pulling on it?
He’s probably hungry.
Wait a second. Is that…?
CHOW: Aah! What the fuck, man?!
Tell that gay monkey to leave my shit alone!
CHOW: You fucking crazy.
Ah, so fucking light in here.
Grab me my sunglasses.
– It’s great to see you, Leslie. – Mm. Nice to see you too, my little hobo.
Chow, what the fuck are you doing here?
Alan called me a few days ago and invited me to wedding.
– Excuse me? – What? He’s my plus one.
You didn’t have a plus one. It’s $200 a plate.
Guys, guys. Just focus, okay? Chow, what happened?
You guys texted me, said you fucked up and looking to party.
I picked you up in my boat and I brought you here to Bangkok.
And we had a sick night, bitches!
Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second, Chow.
Chow, we’re in Bangkok?
Holler! City of squalor!
Do you know how I got this tattoo?
Uh, yeah. From a fucking tattoo guy.
Come on, Stewie. Use that big Jewish brain.
Hey, what’s the monkey holding?
That’s a finger!
PHIL: Stu, I got some bad news.
Teddy was with us last night.
That’s his finger.
Teddy… Teddy’s dead?
Ha, ha. Teddy not dead. He party with us all night.
PHIL: Well, then where is he?
Don’t you remember anything?
– No! – No. Nothing, Chow.
Okay, okay. I explain it all, okay?
Just let me do one bump, get my head straight.
Come to papa.
– Okay. – That’s a big…
You ready for craziest fucking story of…
Mr. Chow, are you okay?
You gotta be kidding me.
Fuck, he’s dead.
– Help! – Stu.
– Help! Help! – Stu, shut up.
Stu, shut up. Stu, shut up!
– Call an ambulance! PHIL: Shut up!
He’s dead. Look, if someone comes and finds a dead body and a pile of cocaine…
…we’ll spend the rest of our lives in a Thai prison. Shh!
Alan. Alan, please stop crying.
All right. All right! I just need a second to figure this out.
STU: This is the worst idea ever. What the fuck is this place?
ALAN: “Bangkok is the capital of Thailand. Its population is 12 million people.”
Alan, put the cards away and help.
ALAN: I’ll get the button. I’ll get the button.
What the fuck is the deal with this monkey?
ALAN: That monkey gets it.
STU: Come on. – Oh, fuck. No, the power’s out.
– We gotta take the stairs. – Ah, fuck!
Here it is.
Feet first, feet first. I’ve done this before.
ALAN: All right. Careful. Careful.
– Stu. STU: What?
We still have to find Teddy.
– Teddy! – Teddy!
– Teddy! Teddy! – Teddy! Teddy!
– You guys see anything? – No.
Come on. Where are you, buddy?
He’s not here.
I can’t believe this is happening again.
Okay. Look, we’ll handle this. You get back there.
You tell them that Alan and I got drunk with him, we’re still partying.
– You gotta go get married. – No, no.
I’m not going back without Teddy.
It’s Lauren’s little brother, he’s lost, he’s injured.
If I fuck this up…
…I lose everything.
Alan, check your pockets.
– What? – You know the drill.
Come on, there might be clues.
– Check your phones. Numbers, texts. – Oh, that’s a good idea.
– I got nothing. Fuck. – Me neither.
– I got a text from Chow. – What time?
Uh, 10:00 last night.
What’s it say?
“On my way, niggas.”
Oh, niggas. Okay.
We are so fucked.
– Hey, Phil. – What?
Look who’s back. Hi.
We gotta get you out of the sun. Get you a hat.
STU: Phil, I really think we should go to the American Consulate.
PHIL: For what? Report a dead body we shoved into an ice machine?
Are we gonna keep walking in circles? That’s real productive.
I’m trying to figure this out. Your attitude is not helping.
Well, I’m sorry. It’s 100 degrees and we don’t have a plan.
And all we’ve done is buy him hats and sodas.
What? It’s a bag of Fanta.
– All right, what do you wanna do, Stu? – I don’t know.
– Then stop yelling at me like it’s my fault. – It is your fault!
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
All I wanted was a bachelor brunch.
Shit. Shut up, it’s Doug. Talk to me.
Just got off the phone with Bangkok P.D. They got him. He’s okay.
Oh. Thank God. Doug found him.
– What happened? DOUG: He got arrested.
– Arrested? For what? – Disorderly conduct.
– Seriously? DOUG: Yeah. He’s okay, though.
They’ll release him to you, no questions asked. No one here has to know.
He’s at the, uh…
…”Ratchawang Police Station.”
Okay. Okay, I’ll call you when we get there.
– Teddy’s in jail, but fine. We gotta get a cab. – Okay. All right.
OFFICER: Yes, I have his paperwork here. PHIL: Okay.
OFFICER: He has been cleared. PHIL: Sounds good.
OFFICER: Of course. PHIL: Thank you.
We’re good, we’re good. They’re processing for release.
Yeah, they threw him in the drunk tank. He’s fine.
Sixteen years old, spent a night in jail. Can you imagine?
We love to party.
Here we go.
– Wait, who’s this fucking guy? – Teddy Srisai.
What…? No, no, no. I’m so…
It’s the wrong guy. Sir.
Excuse me. I’m sorry. Uh, there’s been a mistake.
He brought the wrong guy. That’s not Teddy.
Of course it is. We have his IDs and everything.
These were in his pockets when we made the arrest.
They were in his pocket?
Excuse me, sir.
How did you get this stuff?
OFFICER: Teddy doesn’t speak.
We tried English, Thai, Chinese. Nothing.
Let me ask you something.
Does he look like he works out at Bally Total Fitness in Palo Alto, California?
Look, we arrest a lot of people.
We cannot analyze everything. All right?
Well, what do you expect us to do with this guy?
Not my problem.
I think he knows us.
Do you know where our friend is?! Teddy! He’s missing!
Stu, forget it. The guy’s worthless.
He knows something. He’s wearing Teddy’s sweatshirt.
What if he just doesn’t understand?
Uh, I’ll act it out. Yeah, like charades. Watch.
– Two words. – Is it a movie?
This is not for you, Alan.
American teenager in Asia.
Karate Kid with Jaden Smith.
It’s easy because you were talking through it.
Stu, it’s a waste of time.
Just leave this fucking guy here.
Oh, here’s something. “There are 500,000 monks living in Thailand.
It is not uncommon for some monks to take a vow of silence…
…at the age of 8.” – There you go.
– Is there anything else in that envelope? – No, it’s empty.
Whoa, hang on.
A drink card from White Lion Bar, Bangkok?
Worth a shot.
PHIL: Jesus Christ. Is this the right street?
STU: That’s what it says.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is the White Lion.
What the fuck happened here?
[MAN SHOUTING IN THAl]
PHIL: Oh, okay. Just keep walking. Yeah. STU: Okay. Yeah, we should probably…
[PEOPLE SHOUTING IN THAl]
STU: Ah! – All right. It’s okay.
STU: What the fuck is going on here?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, check it out.
Holy shit. Stu, look.
That’s my face.
Go, go, go.
Nice work, Alan.
PHIL: Hello? – Be with you in a minute.
Oh, look who it is.
So, what do you think?
What? I’m sorry?
The tattoo? You love it?
Uh, no. Actually, I hate it.
No refunds. Get the fuck out.
– Wait a second. – Read the sign.
We don’t want a refund. We just have a couple of questions.
Trying to figure out what went down last night.
“What went down”?
Look what you did outside. Half the neighborhood went down.
We did that?
You don’t remember getting into a bar fight at the White Lion?
Starting a full-on fucking riot?
No, sir. We don’t remember anything.
[JOE AND ALAN LAUGH]
Hold this. Oh, boy.
Check this out.
[PEOPLE SHOUTING AND SIRENS WAILING ON PHONE]
Fuck the police!
Fuck the police!
There’s Teddy. He was with us.
PHIL: Jesus Christ.
That’s when the cops arrived, started cracking skulls.
I took you guys and hid you in the shop here.
Then you decided to get a tattoo. Cried like a little bitch.
This kid’s fucking 9 years old. He’s got balls twice your size.
– Show him your balls, man. PHIL: No, no, no. That’s okay.
Listen, we’re looking for our friend Teddy. Have you seen him?
Not since last night. What happened?
Yeah, I’m supposed to marry his sister tomorrow and we kind of lost him.
Oh, well. Then fuck it.
What do you mean, “fuck it”?
Bangkok has him now and she’ll never let him go.
You hear that? Huh?
– Is this what you wanted? Happy now? ALAN: Phil.
You’re wasting your time. These monks take their vow shit seriously.
Look at this.
That’s the sign of the Chiang Mei monastery just outside of town.
Maybe somebody over there can get him to talk.
[THAI POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Can we just go over this one more time? You got the beer from?
The hotel bar. They gave me a sealed case.
– Right. But who gave it to you? – The bartender.
And then you brought them out and I opened them.
Yeah, and Doug had one and he was fine, so it’s not the beer.
STU: So, what the hell happened? PHIL: I have no idea.
Hey, guys. Check it out, he’s got a Chinese boner.
Alan, come on. Cut it out.
ALAN: The monkey is a pervert.
Come on, that is so wrong.
Hey, don’t stop, monkey, keep doing it.
When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it’s funny in any language.
Oh, keep doing it!
All right. Thank you.
ALAN: Bye, Shannon. Bye, Lil Wayne.
What is this, a P.F. Chang’s?
STU: Ah, they’re meditating.
– Such a peaceful people. PHIL: Yeah.
Knock, knock! Hello?!
PHIL: Alan, Alan, show some respect. Don’t get up, guys.
We brought one of your guys back.
He’s really funny. He’s really nice and cool.
Hi, how you doing? Uh, are you the one in charge?
– Hey! Aah! – Excuse me. Ow!
– Wait! Ah! ALAN: Stop it!
PHIL: Just calm down! Aah!
Hold on! Ah!
It’s because… Ow! We’re talking! Ah!
Stop talking. Goddamn it!
Wait! It’s me!
Stop hitting me!
Oh, I get it.
[WHISPERS] No talk. No talk.
Shh. Okay. We no talk.
– [MOUTHS] Asshole. – [WHISPERS] I get it, I get it.
Late last night, you climbed the walls of our monastery…
…shouting out question about love, marriage and the meaning of life.
Poor Brother Han was meditating alone in the garden and you took him.
Oh, my God.
We kidnapped a monk.
Uh, we live an alternative lifestyle.
And we are so sorry about that, but we weren’t ourselves last night.
Yup, things kind of spun out of control a little bit.
But there’s a boy who’s missing and hurt.
Can you find out if he knows where our friend is?
Brother Han took a vow of silence many years ago.
It would be useless to try.
Well, maybe he can write down what happened on a piece of paper.
Actually, that would be cheating. Right, Grand Wizard?
– Alan. – I’m afraid Fatty is right.
None us will ever know what Brother Han knows.
Oh, all right.
So much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes. Come on, let’s go.
Hey, you know what? FYI, you may wanna put some signs up that say “no talking”…
…before you unleash your dragon. STU: Yeah, that was a little rough.
You’re welcome for bringing him back safe. You know, we found him in a drunk tank.
STU: We did take him in the first place.
PHIL: Come on, guys, let’s go.
The Buddha teach:
Every memory lives somewhere deep within.
Perhaps you should bring your question to the garden of meditation.
– Did you understand a word he said? – About two-thirds.
Something about the garden of meditation?
No, he said he’s farting because of his medication.
I get that.
[WHISPERING] This is a waste of time. I don’t remember anything.
No. I got nothing.
LU: Every memory lives somewhere deep within.
SID: Sweetie? ALAN: What?
SID: You have visitors.
– Hey, Alan. – Hey, guys.
– Hey, Phil. – Hey, buddy.
– Stu would like to invite you to his wedding. – Is this true, Stuart?
Yeah, why not? It’ll be fun.
– What the fuck? PHIL: To Lauren and Stu.
PHIL: Chow? CHOW: We had a sick night, bitches!
PHIL: Yeah! DOUG: Alan, what the fuck?
ALAN: Is that person coming to the wedding?
STU: There is no wolf pack.
PHIL: Alan, don’t do that! ALAN: “The population in Thailand is…”
And we’re the three best friends That anybody could have
STU: Yeah! Fuck the police! Fuck the police!
I know where to go.
What do you think, Alan?
Uh, this is the place.
Come on, let’s go.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
I don’t remember any of this.
Yeah, Alan, are you sure this is the place?
Yeah, pretty sure.
Is he coming or what? I’ve been waiting all day for him.
Uh, I’m sorry. Waiting for who?
Chow, that dick-ass fuck.
– Why, what’s wrong? – Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.
Okay, good. Look at this.
Look what I bring for him. Check it out, huh? Huh?
– No, no, no. – $6000, American.
Wow, it looks so real.
Sorry. Ahem. Sorry.
Alan! What the fuck?!
It’s okay! It’s okay. The gun, very sensitive. Very sensitive.
– Everybody okay? DANCER: Yeah, okay.
Okay? Then get the fuck back to work!
Come on! Music, please!
[DANCE MUSIC RESUMES]
Who has my $6000?
No, no, no. That’s Chow’s deal. We got nothing to do with that.
This guy, if he backs out again, this shit is gonna catch up to him, okay?
He’s made a lot of enemies in this town and now they’re your enemies.
That’s not fair!
Okay, listen. We’re just looking for a little kid.
– Two thousand dollars. – What?!
I don’t know. Maybe more. How young you want this kid to be?
No! No, no, no. Sorry. You misunderstood.
We’re looking for our friend, 16 years old, Teddy?
Teddy? Yeah, he was here with you guys last night.
He was? You remember if he left with us?
You were in the corner all night with Kimmy. I didn’t see you leave.
Kimmy? Kimmy? Is she here?
Yeah, she’s in the back. She just came for her shift. Go talk to her.
Listen, I’m sorry about everything that happened.
Pay attention what I’m gonna talk to you now.
When you see Chow, you tell him Samir says hello.
– Okay. – But do it like that, okay?
Hello. Like threatening.
– Hello. – Okay.
– Hello. – Hello.
– Hello. – More O. Hello.
Go away, go away. Fucking make me crazy.
Of course I remember him. He was buying shots for everyone.
Nice kid. His parents must be so proud.
Yeah. You have no idea.
Okay, so do you remember if he left with us?
Yeah, you all were leaving together, but you almost forgot this one right here.
– Right, superstar? – Hmm.
This one was following me around like a little puppy dog all night.
Saying how he fall in love with me and ask me to marry him.
[PHIL AND ALAN CHUCKLE]
– We didn’t get married, did we? – Of course not.
We just had some fun in the Chardonnay Room.
What, uh… What happens in the Chardonnay Room?
Let’s just stay on task here.
Oh, you know. Dance for him. He tickle me. We had sex.
– I massage his shoulders. – Fuck!
It’s okay. You’re not married yet. It’s no big deal.
It’s cheating, okay?
No offense to you. You’re a lovely woman. It’s a violation of my moral code.
Don’t be sad. Stu, you love it.
You were crying, saying how special it was.
Wait. Ha, ha. I’m sorry, he was crying?
What a baby. He was crying.
You should have seen him. He was so sexy, the way he move around.
I had to ask him slow down so I don’t drop my load too quick.
Load? What load?
Oh, you know. My sperms.
Eh, I think your English is off. You’re talking about my sperms.
Where would your sperm come from?
From my balls.
Hold on. Back up.
Wait, wait. Are you…?
Hey. You in Bangkok, sweetie.
There’s a reason they don’t call it Bangcunt.
Oh, my God.
I don’t get it. Is this a magic show?
Come on, Stu. It was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.
How’s that work?
Shoot my load into you, you shoot your load on the floor.
– Okay. – [WHIMPERING] You shot your load in me?
In my bottom?
Stu, it’s not the end of the world.
I’m sorry, but I am so confused.
I made love to a man with boobies.
Listen, I promise you no one’s ever gonna find out about this.
But we just found out about it.
And then we forget. That’s what we do.
I’ve done so much fucked up shit, and I just forget about it.
– You have? – Yeah. You just forget. It goes away.
That might be harder to go away, but in time it’ll happen.
That’s what I’m gonna do.
I’m just gonna forget about it.
– Never happened. – Right.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Phone. Phone. Who is it? Answer.
It just reminded me.
– Answer it. – I can’t.
He might know something about Teddy. We still have a shot.
– [WHINING] I can’t. – Get your head back into the fucking game.
– Hello? FOHN: Who takes an all-day fishing trip…
… the day before a wedding?
Yeah, ha, ha. I guess it was kind of stupid.
Put Teddy on the phone.
– Uh, Teddy’s seasick, actually. FOHN: Seasick?
Teddy’s been a maritime deck cadet since he was 9.
Well, that’s weird, because he’s puking everywhere.
I’m gonna tell you something that you did not know.
I don’t like you.
– Yeah, I knew that already. FOHN: My daughter chooses you…
– … that’s her problem. – Hey, it’s Phil Winnick.
Listen, I apologize. We’ve been reeling in some crazy marlin, and I just want…
ALAN: Phil! STU: Phil!
STU: Phil? You’re okay. PHIL: Fuck me.
Give us back our monkey.
What monkey? Get your own monkey!
Come on, you asshole. The fucking monkey.
Any time, Alan. He’s pointing a gun at us.
This is our monkey.
Alan, no one’s getting shot over a fucking monkey. Hand him over now.
Oh, God, I never get to keep no monkeys.
[MEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Hey, check it out. He’s got a banana on his helmet.
– These guys are the real deal. PHIL: What’s happening?
Hold on. How did this happen? Do you know where our friend is?
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, 16 years old, Asian kid?
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
No, I don’t understand what he said.
What did he say? What did he say?!
He said, “Fuck you and your question.”
PHIL: Oh, my arm!
Poor Phil! Phil, are you okay?
PHIL: Oh, I got shot. Fuck! Fuck, guys.
It’s all right, Phil. We’ll figure this all out and get the monkey back. I promise.
No one gives a fuck about the monkey, Alan!
Oh, shit, look at my arm.
What the fuck is going on?!
Stu, am I gonna be okay? You’re a doctor.
I don’t know. Let me look, let me look.
Stu, come here. No, look at it.
Stuart Price, get your ass back over here!
STU: You got shot! PHIL: I know!
PHIL: Hey. – Yo. You all right?
Yeah, I’m okay. I’m okay.
Actually, bullet just grazed my arm. Eight stitches.
Only cost $6. How’s that even possible?
How’s any of this even possible?
I mean, if I was a foot to my left, Stu, I’d be dead.
What are we gonna do?
I’m sorry, guys. This wasn’t part of the plan.
What plan, Alan?
I’ve said too much already.
Alan, what plan?
This is all Teddy’s fault.
PHIL: What are you talking about, Alan?
Why is he here? He’s not part of the wolf pack.
Alan, what did you do?
It’s not my fault. Teddy shouldn’t have been sharing from his bag.
The marshmallows. I had a separate bag just for Teddy.
But it was dark, it was hard to keep track, and then you almost sat on them.
I couldn’t tell which was which. It was mayhem.
What did you do to the marshmallows, Alan?
Alan? What did you do?
Well, isn’t it obvious? I spiked them with muscle relaxers.
And, plus, my ADHD medication.
– What?! – You drugged us again?!
Not you. I just wanted to knock out Teddy so we could enjoy the weekend.
“Enjoy the weekend”? Alan, you told me that you didn’t do anything.
Alan, you swore to God.
I just wanted things to stay the same.
Look at my face!
You ruined my life!
You’re not my friend.
Don’t say that, Phil. Are you serious? Even in America?
– Yes! – [CRYING] Oh, God. Don’t say that, Phil.
Don’t start crying, Alan.
You’re the bearded devil!
You liked it. You smiled at me when I held up the marshmallows.
Because I like marshmallows, you fucking psycho!
Hey! Whoa, whoa, hold on! Stop!
– Guys, guys. Enough. – Why?!
Why, Alan?! Why?!
Because we’re the three best friends, remember?
Stu, that’s enough. That’s enough.
Guys, we can’t fall apart now. We gotta stick together.
– Alan, what’s that written on your belly? – What? Huh?
“Lebua Hotel. Saturday, 6 p.m.” Did you write that?
Shit, that’s in 20 minutes.
What about England? Are we friends there?
I told you, it was in the heat of the moment.
We’re still friends, all over the world.
– Even Great Britain? – Yeah. Mm-hm.
Well, what about you, Stu?
Gentlemen, follow me.
MAN: Here you go.
It’s about time. Sit down.
– Come on, sit, sit, sit. – Okay.
Wow, you guys look like shit.
PHIL: Uh, do we know you? – Hey.
Take off your fucking hat. You’re in a restaurant, for chrissake.
Okay, listen. Uh, we have no clue what’s going on here.
You know, they sell a plum whiskey here. It’s fucking unreal.
Seriously, it will absolutely fuck you up.
Oh, I’m sorry, you guys already got fucked up, didn’t you?
Uh, listen. I’m a little confused. How did you…?
Yeah, you know what? I’m a little fucking confused.
Where is Chow with the fucking account code and the fucking password?!
We don’t know anything about any codes. We’re just trying to find our friend.
– Teddy. – Yes. Teddy.
Have you seen him?
Hmm. Let’s see. Oh.
PHIL: Holy shit. It’s from last night. STU: Hmm.
Who are you?
I’m a businessman…
…and I have invested a large chunk of capital in your friend Chow.
And in return, he was supposed to transfer our profits electronically…
…about five fucking minutes ago.
So last night, we took Teddy as insurance.
Oh, my God. Is he okay?
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, my God. I wasn’t done talking.
You tell Chow…
…that we are having breakfast on the roof of this hotel tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Now, if he makes the transfer, you will get Teddy.
If not, well, then, hey, you know? It’s Bangkok.
That’s your cue to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, you know what? Leave the hat.
Alan, leave the hat.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
We’re fucked. Chow’s dead. What do we do now?
The guy doesn’t give a shit about Chow. This whole thing’s about a bank account.
Let’s just go back to the hotel, search Chow’s body.
And hopefully the password’s in his wallet or something.
STU: What if it isn’t? I mean, they’re gonna kill Teddy.
Just relax. We have until 8 a.m. Tomorrow to figure it out.
First the monkey, now my hat.
How much worse can this day get?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[SINGING] Well, we’re living here in Alantown
And he’s driven our lives into the ground
When we woke up We were wasted and drunk
Phil got shot
We got beaten by a monk
I was happy, and my life was good
Getting married like a dentist should
Roasting marshmallows on a stick
I got fucked in the ass
By a girl with a dick
I remember that.
And we’re living here in Alantown
STU: There’s water everywhere.
Yeah, that’s because it melted, Stu. The fucking power’s out.
“With an inadequate electrical grid serving millions of people…
…Bangkok experiences 1500 power outages per year.”
PHIL: Seriously, Alan, that’s enough.
Out of the way.
We got it.
ALAN: Ghost! There’s a ghost!
Chow, calm down! Chow, calm down!
– Fucking kill on me! – No, no, no. Ah.
PHIL: Shh. CHOW: Shh.
That’s it. It’s just us. Breathe.
– Chow so cold. PHIL: I’m gonna warm you up.
Chow so cold. Chow so cold.
You did good, buddy. You did good.
Chow did good.
PHIL: Feeling better?
You all right? You warm enough?
I don’t know. Come feel my balls and tell me.
I’ve been locked in a fucking ice box all day.
Hey, Alan, you want my awesome sunglasses, you just ask Chow.
You don’t have to kill me.
Chow, nobody killed you. You were already dead. You didn’t have a pulse.
Oh, you never do blow before?
Sometime your heart stop, start up again. Read a book.
Look, I’m sorry. We’re just having a bad day.
Oh, you having a bad day? Did you die?
I got shot.
But did you die?
Chow, some guy told us that you’ve got a bank code or something…
…and if we don’t bring it to him first thing in the morning, he’s gonna kill Teddy.
Who, Kingsley? Pfft. He harmless.
Don’t worry. I got the bank codes.
Great. All right, we gotta meet him at 8 a.m.
Who is that fucking guy, anyway?
Invest in my business.
Yeah? What business is that?
It’s called Not Your Business, okay?
So where’s the monkey?
– The monkey? – Yeah.
I stashed the account number and password in his vest. Where is he?
– Why would you do that? – Safekeeping, pretty boy.
I got a lot of heat on my ass.
I got FBI, Bangkok P.D., Interpol, MSNBC.
That monkey snorting coke with me all night…
…jerking me off while I watch Stu fuck with ladyboy.
STU: Ugh. – He not going anywhere.
We don’t have the monkey, Chow.
No, some Russian thugs took him from us.
CHOW: Oh, you fucking guys.
Okay, no problem.
We just have to get him back.
– From where? – Same place we took him from.
This monkey isn’t just normal monkey.
CHOW: Think of him like monkey drug mule.
He take coke to buyer…
…and deliver cash to dealer.
Dealer never handle drug directly.
Not terrible. What you talking about? It’s fucking genius.
You ever see monkey go to jail?
We just signal monkey for deal, he come close…
…we take his vest and that’s that.
Maybe get some blow too. You know, just bump.
No. No more bumps, Chow.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
Stu, Mr. Chow can’t whistle. Signal monkey.
– All right, here we go. – Come on.
How’d we wind up with the monkey last night?
Well, I needed some blow and Alan thought he was cute, so we stole him.
Stu, ready to grab vest?
L… Okay. I just grab it?
– Yeah, just do it, Stu. Just do it. – Hey, monkey!
PHIL: Alan, shh. ALAN [WHISPERS]: Hi.
– Fuck! CHOW: We gotta go right now.
Pull that fucking monkey in!
CHOW: Get that monkey in here, Stu!
He won’t let go!
Stu, get back in the car right now!
STU: I’m trying! Slow down!
He’s so strong!
Let go, you fucking monkey!
– Look out! – Aah!
CHOW: Oh, shit. Tight squeeze.
I got him! I got him!
– Where’s the code, Chow? – Check his little vest.
– You got it, Alan? – Yeah, I got it, Phil.
– Slow down, slow down, Chow! – Hold on, gay boys!
– Holy shit! – Fuck.
Don’t worry, I got this shit.
[STU AND ALAN YELLING]
Oh, my word!
Ha, ha. Sorry, Stu. My bad.
What the fuck?!
Oh, no! They shot the monkey!
They shot the monkey!
I’m at my wits’ end!
He’s coming back around.
– Holy fuck. – Oh, no.
[PANTING AND GROANING]
PHIL: Everybody all right? ALAN: Yeah.
Whoo! I have such an erection right now.
STU: Are you for real?
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
They’re gonna take good care of you here, okay?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Cigarettes, got them right here. Here you go.
There you go.
Smoke it in.
Breathe the smoke into your tiny little lungs.
There you go.
It’s funny. I’ve never been much of a smoker…
…but, boy, does it look cool on you.
PHIL: Alan! Come on, let’s go!
I’m gonna miss you, monkey.
I wish monkeys could Skype.
Maybe one day.
PHIL: Come on, get in. ALAN: Scoot over.
– Oh, we gotta go see Kingsley. PHIL: He’s gonna be fine.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[SINGING JIM CROCE’S “TIME IN A BOTTLE”]
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
Are you guys seriously this calm?
Relax, Stuart. It’s classic switcheroo.
I give him money, he gives us Teddy.
Ever do anything that doesn’t end up in a standoff?
I’m an international criminal. It always ends like this.
I met my wife at one of these things.
You have a wife?
Yeah. We married 15 years.
What, Chow not good-Iooking enough for woman?
No, that’s cool.
– Let’s do this. – Welcome to the Tower Club.
Blah, blah, blah. Who cares?
PHIL: It’s okay. CHOW: Stop. Chow crossing.
– Well, well. CHOW: Propecia looking nice.
Whew, you been hitting the gym?
Yes, I am, actually. Thank you for noticing, Chow.
Hey, guys, have a seat.
He’s waiting downstairs in my car. We’ll send him up…
…when the transfer is complete. CHOW: Tell you what:
Give me extra 50 grand, you keep Teddy. And I throw in this other fat fuck for free.
[KINGSLEY, CHOW AND ALAN LAUGHING]
Oh, jeez. Chow.
Can we move this along?
Alan, account number?
Come on, come on, come on.
…K, as in “knife”…
Your password is “baloney1”?
It used to be just “baloney.” Now they make you add number.
Really fucking annoying. Okay.
[COMPUTER BEEPING FASTER]
– And it’s that easy. CHOW: Ta-da.
Oh, look, you sunk my battleship.
Great. Now can we please have Teddy?
Uh, yeah. Bring him up.
BODYGUARD: Good to go.
CHOW: Ha, ha. See? We go to your wedding, we have fun, I bust a nut.
PHIL: We did it, Stu. It’s over.
OFFICER: This is Bangkok Police. Everybody down.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING AND SPEAKING IN THAl]
CHOW: No! Kingsley, you’re fucking 5-0?
Get him out of here.
Go. Good, good! We’re good!
CHOW: How the fuck…?!
You fucked me over 6 grand? You camel jockey.
You spit to me?
You spit to me?
Hey, 6 grand this time, 8 grand last time.
It’s not the money, man. It’s the principle.
Principle? Nigga, please. We both dead inside.
You call me nigga? Huh? Don’t call me nigga.
CHOW: Toodleoo, motherfucker! – Called me nigga. Racist asshole, man.
KINGSLEY: You guys okay? – What the fuck’s going on?
Detective Inspector Peters, Interpol.
– You’re a cop? – Yes.
This sting operation’s been in place for weeks.
When Samir told us that your friend was lost…
…we took advantage of that information.
– I’m sorry. – Oh, no.
– So can Teddy come out of the car now? – No, Alan, Teddy’s not in the fucking car.
They don’t have him. They never had him.
They just needed us to bring them Chow.
They used Teddy as bait.
Do you have any leads at all?
No. We’ve checked everywhere, no one has seen him. I’m sorry.
If you haven’t found him by now…
…I’m afraid Bangkok has him.
Why do people keep saying that?
Don’t say that. Please.
No, this time we really fucked up.
Oh, God. How bad?
Like no wedding bad?
Little worse than that.
I don’t know what to tell you.
Okay, how about this?
He fell off the fishing boat and drowned.
Okay, I got it.
Teddy was hit by a truck.
– Alan. – Not a good time, Phil. Kind of busy.
How many people get run over here?
Ugh. Over 1200 a year, Phil.
Perfect. His body was too mangled to recover.
Can I have more ice, please?
I’m not gonna lie to Lauren.
Stu, do you want this or not?
Look at what I’ve done, Phil.
What I do.
I have a weakness for prostitutes.
All kinds, apparently.
I have a demon in me.
Teddy’s gone, but I can still save Lauren. I’ll just let her live her life without me.
I want you to call Doug and tell him I’m never coming back.
I’m getting off the hamster wheel.
I’m gonna stay here in Bangkok.
I think I belong here.
Open up a little dentist office.
Teeth cleanings with a happy ending.
You sure about this?
Hey! What the crud?
Power’s out, Alan.
DOUG [ON PHONE]: Phil. – Doug.
I need answers, man.
– I know, um… – Doug, who are you talking to?
– Give me the phone. – No, that’s a private…
LAUREN [ON PHONE]: Who is this? – Lauren?
Phil? Tell me what’s going on right now.
PHIL: We lost your little brother.
PHIL: Bangkok has him now.
PHIL: We gotta take the stairs.
You’re in Bangkok?
STU: Ew! That’s a finger!
Put Stu on the phone.
ALAN: “Bangkok experiences 1500 power outages per year.”
PHIL: Stu really just doesn’t wanna talk to anybody.
STU: Water. PHIL: Power’s out.
CHOW: Come on, Stewie. Use that big Jewish brain.
PHIL: He’s just not up for it…
– Phil? Phil. Phil, give me the phone. PHIL: It’s Lauren.
– I know. I need to talk to her. – I’m handling this. I’ll handle this, Stu!
– You’re gonna break her heart! – Hey, sweetheart, it’s me.
I’m so sorry!
Stu? What the hell is going on? What does he mean, you lost Teddy?
STU: What? Is that what Phil said?
No, no, no. We misplaced Teddy.
But we’re all good now. We’re headed back to the resort. See you soon.
I love you so much.
And I gotta go, but I’ll see you soon. Bye.
– Stu…! ALAN: Ah!
Come on! Come on, Alan! Come on!
PHIL: Hey, you mind filling us in? STU: Okay.
– Now, when we woke up, the power was out. – Yeah.
And you found Teddy’s finger in what?
– In a bowl of water. – But it didn’t start out as water.
– It was ice. – Exactly. Teddy got ice from the machine…
…came back to the room, put his finger on ice, fell asleep.
What do you do if you wake up and your finger’s in a bowl of melted ice?
I’d get more ice, Stu, on the 15th fucking floor!
Yes! Teddy goes up, the power goes out…
Holy shit. Of course.
Of course, he’s in the ice machine.
STU: Alan, no!
It’s on 10!
Sir, is the elevator stuck?
[MAN SPEAKS IN THAl]
– Come on. STU: Go. Go, go, go.
Ten! This is it! Teddy!
STU: Teddy! Teddy!
PHIL: Look out, look out.
[PHIL AND STU GRUNTING]
[YELLING AND LAUGHING]
– Oh, my God! Teddy! – He’s okay! He’s okay!
Hey, you okay?
You okay, man?
Where am I?
You’re in an elevator in the middle of Bangkok.
But we’re gonna get you out of here. It’s gonna be fine.
TEDDY: Hey, Stu…
STU: Thanks, man. – All right, let’s do this.
Come on. Come on, come on.
PHIL: Doug, we found him. Yeah!
I know, I know, but we’re on our way. Okay, bye.
All right, guests are arriving, people are starting to ask questions…
…but we can still pull this off.
– How? – I don’t know. Like, a taxi?
– Chow’s speedboat. – What?
Last thing I remember was getting off Chow’s speedboat.
Chow has a speedboat?
The Perfect Life.
[STU AND PHIL CHUCKLE]
Stu, get that back line.
ALAN: Good jump, Phil!
– You all right? ALAN: Yeah.
You sure you know how to drive this thing?
Please. I was raised in yacht clubs. I know what I’m doing.
You know where we’re going?
Please address me as “captain.”
Oh, fuck you, Alan.
Do you know where we’re going, captain?
Affirmative, cadet. We’re going south, through the Gulf of Thailand. Ha, ha.
Hey. You okay?
– Feeling a little better. – All right.
Listen, Teddy, I’m really sorry. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
It’s funny. I can’t remember anything…
…but when I woke up…
…I was kind of happy.
By the way, you have any idea where my finger is?
Yeah, we gave it to a drug-dealing monkey.
[PLAYING ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC]
He’s on his way, I’m telling you. Dad’s always doing this.
No, it’s just…
I apologize! There will be no wedding!
No, he is on his way. He will be here.
Please, if you will all move to the bar.
We are going to clear this area. Please.
LAUREN: Daddy, how can you do this?
I’m telling you, I spoke to him. He’s coming.
[FOHN SPEAKING IN THAl]
LAUREN: You don’t understand.
Look. There they are.
Alan, there’s no dock.
ALAN: Just hang on.
– Alan, it’s not funny. Turn the boat. – Hang on.
Is that Alan driving the boat?
DOUG: What? Uh…
We should probably move back a little bit. Come on.
PHIL: Alan, slow down! STU: Please!
Turn the boat! Turn the boat, Alan! Turn the fucking boat!
Everyone, back up a little bit here.
Sir, it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. Come on, sir.
PHIL: Hold on! Hold on!
We came in a little hotter than we planned.
And sorry we trenched the lawn here.
Totally fixable. A bit of sod, we’ll be fine.
– Baby! – Oh, my God.
– Hi. – Ah, I’m so happy to see you.
– Hi, Dad. – Oh, Teddy.
– Are you all right? – Yeah, I’m okay.
No! Your hand!
I know. We had an accident. I’m okay.
– This is your fault. – No, Dad.
He’s right. Mr. Srisai, Lauren.
– I haven’t been completely honest with you. – Stu?
– Yeah? – Don’t do this.
Thanks, Phil, but gonna do it.
You said I’m chok.
Well, I’m not.
I’m not some weird milky, ricey, watery goop…
…that you feed to infants and old people, okay?
Maybe I would be if you added some cayenne pepper.
I wish I was a boring dentist who had a boring life and boring friends…
…but I don’t, I’m not.
I’m actually part of this weird wolf pack.
Hey, it’s not weird. It’s pretty cool, actually. No membership fee…
I have heard enough of this. You come here.
Here’s the deal, man.
I got a dark side.
There’s a demon in me.
It’s true, he has semen in him.
I said “demon.”
But you also have semen in you. Remember?
That’s not relevant, but thank you, Alan.
…this demon takes me to some pretty weird places.
And we lost Teddy for two days in Bangkok.
But that same demon took us to hell and back to find him.
We took on Bangkok and we won.
And that’s pretty fucking cool if you ask me. Right?
I love your daughter and I’m gonna marry her…
…unless you have any problem with that.
– I’m good. – All right.
But all that said…
…it would actually mean a great deal to both of us…
…if we could just get your motherfucking blessing.
[ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Your head looks pretty cool shaved.
ALAN: Thanks, Phil.
You should shave your head too.
Why would I do that?
Well, that way, we would look exactly alike.
Take good care of my daughter, Stu.
– I will. – Thank you.
[WHISPERING] I’m sorry we almost killed everyone with the boat.
Just happy you’re here.
Don’t worry about the tattoo. I’ll have it lasered as soon as we’re home in L.A.
It’s okay. I can get used to it.
– But for now, let’s switch sides? – Yeah, okay.
Dear family and friends…
…on behalf of Stu and Lauren…
…I welcome all of you for this marriage celebration.
We are here today to encourage, celebrate…
[SINGING A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS’ “I RAN”]
I walk along the avenue
I never thought I’d meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you
And I ran I ran so far away
I couldn’t get away
Thanks, buddy. Can you hold on for a second?
Thank you. Ahem.
Hello? Hi, everyone.
I’m, uh… My name’s Alan Garner.
Um, I want to thank the Asiatic people for allowing us in your land.
I wanted to, um, say that, um, I’m really happy to be here…
…and I have a wedding gift to present to Lauren and Stu.
Um, and a lot of thought have gone into this…
…and I hope that you appreciate it as much I di… Are going to.
[BAND PLAYING MYSTERIOUS FANFARE]
[SINGING MURRAY HEAD’S “ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK”]
Bangkok, Oriental setting, and the city Don’t know what the city is getting
In a show with everything But Yul Brynner, ya know?
One night in Bangkok And the world’s your oyster
The bars are temples But the pearls, they ain’t free
You’ll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you’re lucky, then the god’s a she
I can feel the devil walking next to me
What the fuck, man?
– So, what do you think? – It’s insane! How did you do that?
My dad had to make a lot of calls, and then I told Mike, I said:
“You gotta do it. It’s for my third best friend.”
STU: Alan, it’s amazing. I love it.
Thank you so much.
We only have him for the night. We don’t own him permanently.
One night in Bangkok Makes the hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
I can feel the devil walking next to me
PHIL: You do a lot of public speaking, Alan?
Mike, you were great.
STU: It’s true, that was incredible.
Thanks, guys. Thank you. That means a lot. Really, it does.
By the way, you really need to remove that fucking tattoo from your face.
Yep. On it.
Sorry about the last-minute performance change.
– Don’t worry. – What are you talking about?
Well, he was supposed to sing “Burning Up” by the Jonas Brothers…
…but then I remembered you don’t like indie rock.
Hey, guys. You’re not gonna believe this.
– Is that your phone? – Yeah.
How come you never tried calling us?
It’s been dead for two days.
But I recharged it and found all these photos.
– What? – Oh, shit.
Some of it’s pretty messed up.
– Awesome. Let’s check them out. STU: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one needs to see this stuff.
Come on, man. I’m Mike Tyson. I’ve seen everything.
– It’ll be fine. – What…?
All right. But we look at it once…
And then we delete them. It’s gonna be okay.
[English – US – SDH]
MAN 1: Here we go. Set, and…
MAN 2: Here we go. MAN 1: Here we go.
– And action. COOPER: Mortgages.
– Oh, bless you. HELMS: She has the hiccups?
– Yeah, I think it was a hiccup. – Hiccup.
– That was… You can’t get cuter than that. – Can we get a close-up, please?
MAN: Can she have a little water or no? Will that get rid of it?
– Hey. Little hiccup? MAN: She’s got the hiccups.
– Little hiccups. – Get the fake baby, we’ll scare her.
I am your… Ha-ha-ha.
MAN: I’m sorry. HELMS: I had to do it.
Got it out of my system. We’re good to go.
True… True, is this Stu that?
He didn’t kidnap us, he kidnapped Black Stu. Shit, sorry.
I’m really, guys… What was it?
What? I just wanna know, is he here to see us off or what…?
[STAMMERS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I’m a little confused, is he here…? Well, I’m a little confused, is he…?
You ever heard of that guy Dooz…?
Ever heard of that guy Doogie…? Ahem.
Well, he turned out… Out? Out?
– Ever heard of that guy Doozie…? – Hmm?
– Doozie? LEE: Doozie Howger?
Wait. Oh, no.
MAN 1: We went through this in the first movie.
MAN 2: Okay, cut. – No.
Goddamn it! Aah!
Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I was waiting for a “fuck.”
MAN 1: Cut. MAN 2: Cut it.
– What happened? – It’s the monkey.
GALIFIANAKIS: He just realized you’re…
– I’m so sorry. – He’s just falling asleep?
He was nodding off.
That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
– Fuck, wait, I’m sorry. MAN: That’s all right.
– Can you do the “shoot the load” line? MAN: Sure…
Shoot my load into you.
Just tell me you put a condom on your penis.
MAN: Action. – Maybe they can take a look at your anus.
Phone, phone. Who is it? Who is it?
– It’s Lauren’s dad. Great, I just remended it. – No… What did you say?
MAN 1: “He just made me remember it.” MAN 2: Okay, you ready?
– Okay, I’m just gonna forget… – Sorry, sorry.
It was “reminded” and “remembered” in one…
[AS HELMS] “I just remembered.”
This is our chance to be back in the game, Stu!
Get your head back in the fucking… Shit, sorry.
Listen, we don’t have a clue what’s going on.
[CLEARS THROAT THEN COUGHS]
I’m good, I’m good. That was acting.
Mr. Chow can’t whistle, signal monkey.
– Window. – Come on, come on, come on.
PHIL: You gotta open his window, Chow.
L… I open.
– Mm! – The child lock’s on, come on.
– Isn’t this your fucking car? – L… I get…
Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute, I turn on engine.
MAN 1: Let’s go back to one. – And I go back to one.
MAN 2: Chow.
Stu. What the hell is going on? You lost Alex?
STU: What? Who? – Shit.
You’re in Bangkok?
Put Phu on the s… “Put Phu on the stune”? Wow.
I love your daughter and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
– You’re still onboard, right? – Yeah.
You can’t kiss Jamie and not get thrown off. What is the line?
Fact is, I’m part of a wolf…
– What did you say about blackouts? – Oh, within an adequate…
MAN: And from the beginning. Action.
– Hello. No, it’s not coming. MAN 1: For real?
MAN 2: Eric, here. Here.
MAN 1: Come on, man. MAN 3: Hold on.
All right. No, but let’s do it again.
I’ve always wanted to learn “Piano Man” on the guitar.
Come on, player!
MAN 1: Frame out. – Jesus.
– You fucking s… – Save some of the camera for us.
MAN 2: Teddy, squeeze together a little. Just a bit.
Just your butt cheeks.
MAN 3: All right, we got it, right? Got something.